i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
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