I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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