Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize