How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize