they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
