she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
