Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The air taste purple.
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