My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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