I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
