theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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