Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
