i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize