I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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