I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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