roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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