the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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