If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
