He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
