maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
me + whiskey = a bad person
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize