i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
