She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
