Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
