I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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