Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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