If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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