There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
