i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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