So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
