dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
