She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize