That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
