My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize