so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
