i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
