Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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