You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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