We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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