I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
