Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
