I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
