so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize