I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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