The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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