I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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