I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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