and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize