Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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