Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize