Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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