Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
