your parents love me but you hate me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
