My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
