So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
