I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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