If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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