you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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