When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
